Monday, June 11, 2018

The crib

Dear Times Of India,

It's with a heavy heart I write to you today to voice my opinion about the content of your online newspaper. Are you aware The Times of India is NSFW ? In the good old times the newspaper ads were black and white prints on recycled paper. Today they cause global warming. I'm speaking of course, about the various women (who make me very wary) who keep 'turning up the heat' and 'increasing the sizzle quotient' in various cities. The earth is in need of our care TOI, the polar caps are melting, global warming is a pressing concern. Could you please ask these women to stop turning up the heat? Thanks.

Earlier, the headlines and articles were about matters that seemed relevant to what would be termed 'news'. Now all I see are nudes. Full frontal on the front page is an affront, TOI. I'm not one to complain, usually, but yesterday my kid walked in on me pleasuring myself to the Times of India and he went and told his mother about it. I was asked questions.

I think you should rename your newspaper (or at least a significant part of it) to "hot news". So all the articles about actresses cranking up the thermostat in Goa, turning up the temperature in Bali, raising the heat in Cannes (it's endless) would be received by an audience that is more aware about the subtle nuances of such reporting. I mean come on TOI, everyday there's a 'model'  that does these crazy things, (model hospitalized after having too many orgasms? TOI?)  In fact, I'm wondering if it's the same woman everytime. Are you TOI'ing with us? Because how can they all be so foolish? It has to be the same person, that's why you simply refer to her as 'model'. You don't fool me.

I used to write letters to your 'sexperts' TOI, soliciting solutions for  problems I couldn't discuss with my doctor, until I realized they simply wrote entertaining answers for readers to get cheap thrills! I can picture them and your schoolboy readers chuckling over the loss of my libido and my disconcerting nightly emissions, TOI. For my libido, (and the other problem too) you know what you advised me to do? I was advised to point my browser to the Times of India. Your sexperts ... Everything will be fine, they said, the blood will start rushing about your body, and you will breathe heavily, they said. Uhhhhh.

The other day I had the Times of India webpage open at work (naked ladies everywhere), and as soon as a female employee walked into the meeting room, several harassment laws were instantly broken. I didn't even have to do anything, I just looked at the screen while she walked past, and it was done. Closing the tab was like zipping up fly, if you know what I mean TOI. I was frozen stiff. I looked at her, and then at the screen, and then at her. The end.

Workplace harassment kicked into effect, my career was effectively over, I was almost in the news, TOI, I almost landed in your! disreputable cheap sleazy publication. I had to bribe the cops not to release the story to the newspapers. 

It's all over TV though. But who watches TV anyway?