Friday, May 25, 2018

A response to the management

Dear sir,

I am the "particular gentleman" you alluded to in your open letter to the general public dated "Saturday, May 26, 2018", wherein you entertain a few incorrect assumptions regarding my review of your restaurant, the RTOD, or the Real Taste of Darkness. Your letter implies that my "average" rating was due to your refusal to indulge my sadistic desire to inflict misery upon myself. That is simply not true! Allow me to explain.

First though, do accept my congratulations for the mega-grand gala opening of your latest establishment, the "Actual taste of Darkness". The menu does add a humorous touch to the fine cuisine. Thank you also for your kind invite to dine there, I have indeed booked the earliest possible appointment (far too long a wait) - tonight.

I nurse no grievance about the fare at the Real taste of Darkness. Yes, the sauce was perfect, the fruit was freshly picked, the meat did quiver. The fare seemed well presented! (such an ironic touch and lost on the majority!). A certain appreciation for the 'absurdity that is life' is certainly a most desirable attribute for any restaurant looking to establish itself in today's competitive world! And I cannot lie, the dessert reduced even me to tears.

What I took exception to was the missing element of surprise. Certain patrons who dined here earlier whispered away the secret, and by the time I was served, I was already aware that you reversed the procedure after the meal. Are you suggesting I should have just pretended to ignore that and get on with my dark dinner?

Secondly, I am a purist in the same way you consider yourselves purists. I protested against the eye-restoration as soon as I sampled the soup, as soon as I realized how the food tasted minus those pesky eyes, but was informed by your excessively overprotective staff that they knew what was best for me! ( there was no need to create a scene)

It's obvious that your fear of legal implications, or perhaps those meddlesome human rights activists seem to have caused you to forget the most basic rule! Need I remind you the customer is always right? See, I only want food that tastes the way it did at the "Real taste of Darkness". (In fact I've hardly eaten since you restored my eyesight. What's the point?)

Thank you (thank you!) for the new establishment. As regards my grievance at your larger and more established restaurant, the RTOD, I wondered what could be done so we don't end up with other dissatisfied diners. (spoilers are sacred, while gossip is simply evil)

What I recommend is an additional item in the menu that would lick this problem once and for all. Not only would it make for a fine entrée, but there would be simply no way for anyone to indulge in the kind of irresponsible gossip that rendered my experience at the "Real taste of Darkness" so bittersweet. I guarantee that this addition to your menu would leave your clientele open-mouthed, tongue tied, speechless, and in fact completely gobsmacked! You are no doubt aware that tongue is considered a delicacy in many cultures and cuisines?

Not to mention this would be the last meal they ever taste, guaranteed to leave them with fond memories which they could indulge their nostalgia with forever! 

Do consider my suggestions in the spirit in which they are intended. I too, like you, am a passionate gastronome. It would be a pity if your restaurant followed the TOD to the "graveyard of tried concepts" as far as fine dining is concerned.

I remain,

Humorously yours,
A. B. Lind, Esq.

1 comment:

  1. Dear RTOD and ATOD management,

    I've noted with some distaste your eatery, the RTOD has now added a new entrée based on the ridiculous suggestions of a demented man, Mr. A.B. Lind, Esq., who as his name suggests, does appear rather shortsighted.

    I write to you today with an earnest appeal to stop this distasteful experiment at once! Not only are you causing the majority of the 'moderately moralled' public, (as you chose to put it), a great deal of unease bordering on frank nausea, but you quite mistaken about your conclusions about your 'fine' cuisine itself. I suspect you've been indulging a rather gruesome fantasy of yours under the guise of this entire pretense of 'sense magnification'. Indeed I wouldn't be surprised if you are eventually proven to be completely corrupt, in every sense of the word.

    So let me ask you this. A senile old woman tells you something you cannot prove or disprove, (I notice your own eyeballs haven't yet made it out of their sockets) and you begin to invest in and advertise an abnormal chain of fine cuisine restaurants without bothering to check whether your assumption even holds water? What makes you think blindness causes taste magnification? Do you realize you are promoting cannibalism? This is not even technically legal, never mind the ethical and moral considerations. I have informed the concerned authorities. They will be calling you soon, and not to schedule an appointment to dine.

    As people with a penchant for eating their own eyeballs, I suspect Mr. A.B. Lind and other patrons of your ridiculous restaurant are sad souls requiring immediate admittance to proper mental healthcare facilities. Do you realize there is far too much salt in there? Could it ever taste good? Any culinary 'connoisseurs' claiming their own eyes taste good are mad, but because good doctors can, (and will!) work wonders, there is hope for them yet.

    But as for you, your souls are well and truly sold. I wouldn't trust your opinion about the weather, or your routine observations about the color of the sky. Do you even know how your own tongues taste? Can't you see the obvious paradox here? Do stop claiming it makes a 'fine entrée'. There is no way of even confirming whether your cuisine is fine. The only thing fine here is the line you've been treading.

    As a traditional hotelier and restaurateur, I run a chain of restaurants based upon age old qualities of trusted recipes, disciplined chefs, and gracious waiters. Snobs pedaling human body parts and claiming them to be the next big thing in fine dining are to be treated with the utmost contempt (at least in my cookbook). And exploiting gullible souls who line up for such nonsense in the hope of discovering something new is magnificent evil. I think before all this started you'd consumed your own brains sir. That alone explains this bizarre farce, this.. this.. vulgar travesty.

    Apologize and wind up your establishments, or face the consequences. Masochists that you are, I suspect strict punishment is no punishment to you. Who knows, you'd probably get off on any routine legal sanctions society imposes. You're probably better punished by being made to work as librarians.

    Nikhil Kshirsagar.